Story I wrote

[Zaffre]

[post]

tl;dr

Jokes aside, I agree with a previous post. The grammar wasn't that great, and it seemed overdramatic. If you were to do things less monotone and with more describing words it may be better. For instance, take a look at this sentence.

I gasped and sat up.

Adding a few verbs and adjectives in there can really help.

As I slowly regained consciousness, I became aware of the frigid air surrounding my body. Something was wrong. My fuzzy mind struggled to form clear thoughts but I soon realized that I was not at home anymore. My eyes shot open and I pulled myself up, absorbing my surroundings.

See how much better and more descriptive that part was? It gives you more of a sense of setting and how they feel. In the first sentence, the narrator can feel scared or surprised. Now in the second sentence you know they're scared or surprised, and not just remembering something in their imagination.