A story that I thought about

[MrBehemoth]

Ok, here are some of my thoughts. It's a good story overall and has a lot of potential for a CS/FC, so forgive me for picking it apart and focusing on the points that I personally would change.

Spoiler below!

First off:

I've began to like even more steampunkish things

I only bring this up to justify some of my later comments. To me, steampunk is a kind of lo-tech sci-fi with strong fantasy trappings. I don't see AMFP as steampunk. To me it feels set in the real world in the Victorian era. Apart from pigmen and the orbs and other Amnesia cannon, AMFP isn't so far fetched. In Victorian England at that time, factories and big industrial complexes were springing up. A large meat processing plant where the workers where abused in the name of progress is not so fantastical as steampunk. AMFP is more like Victorian gothic horror (as is TDD) but with lot's of early futurism (which is a type of early sci-fi that revered machines). For reference see some of the writers (or their movie adaptations) like here. I think in a steampunk universe it's ok to take liberties and not be realistic, but if you're setting your story in the same time and place as AMFP, then there are a few inconsistencies, such as:

Ryan was a billionaire in the (insert age of AAMFP)

AMFP is set in London in the late Victorian era (TDD is set in near the start of the Victorian era). At that time, a billion pounds was an inconceivable amount of money. I'm guessing there probably weren't any millionaires either. It's safer to say he was "very wealthy".

Lucy and Ryan worked in their own factory, Ryan as a chief and Lucy as a normal worker (Lucy wanted it this way).

The economic and class differences between the workers and factory owner would be far more than they are today. Ryan, as a very wealthy man, would not work in the factory, as that would be below him. He would employ clerks and foremen to run his factory for him. No-one in that day would see the factory as belonging to both Lucy and Ryan: this is still a time when patrocentric family law favoured the husband. What's hers is his. Lucy would not work. She would spend her time socialising with other wealthy women and carefully navigating high society. Women who worked had jobs like farmers' wives, barmaids, washerwomen, prostitues etc.. If she was very, very modern and forward thinking and her husband very accomodating, then Ryan might humour her and allow her to become a school teacher, but even this would be below her station. She might write or paint.

How about, instead, you say that Ryan was carrying out an inspection on the factory, which would give him a reason to go there and risk getting his finely tailored suit dirty. Some kind of crisis prompts Lucy to go looking for him at the factory. (The foreman would tell her, "This is no place for a lady," but because she's so modern and undemure, she could talk her way in.) Then the accident happens while she's there. This sits better with me.

it's up to Mark (or any name)

About names. I like the names of characters to have some meaning behind them. Mark is biblical; St Mark was an evangelist and one of Jesus' disciples. Whether you're religious or not (I'm not) it's still a nice touch because it implies that he's a "good" man who wants to put things right. Ryan is an Irish name, I'm not sure a Victorian Englishman would be called Ryan, but maybe he would. Anyway, respectable gentleman in this era are likely to be known by their surname, so maybe decide what those would be. Maybe Ryan could be his surname.

Last time I read this, wasn't Mark a bartender or did I imagine it? Did you change that? If so, good. I like the idea of the pious policeman better. Kind of like The Wicker Man. (Besides, I was going to point out that "bartender" is a very American word. It would be better to say "barman", "barkeeper" or even "ostler".)

Once you get underground, now you can abandon the realism and get into the steampunk vibe. If you maintain realism outside of the underground city, then it will help to create a nice contrast. There would also be a sense that this virtuous man is descending into hell to treat with the devil.

the environment wouldn't be a cave or anything like that, it would be a TRUE city underground.

This is great in writing, but a city sounds very ambitious in terms of mapping.

http://i.imgur.com/ojFY22a.png

(something similar to this:
https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/image...WDdV4YH_rQ)

I like the Bioshock influence, but I would try to steer away from Big Daddies or it will be too much.

Ryan, in his spike of madness, has decided to destroy the world of the machines
...
All the city style would be steampunkish, kind of a giant factory

Why? What is his motivation for destroying the world of the machines? Does he blame the machines for killing Lucy? If so, why has he entrenched himself in an underground world of technology? His enemy needs to be more opposed to him.

Perhaps he should have something else to hate and fear. Why not religion, and then Mark, the good Christian policeman, could represent his antithesis. Perhaps Lucy was very devout and it was a religious matter that lead her enter the factory and die. (Like, I dunno, maybe Ryan was inspecting the factory on a Sunday and she went to fetch him to church.)

occidental

Good word. Use it, a lot. Not only does the occident embody what Ryan hates, it also sounds like "accident" and symbolises the connection in his mind.

Once you find, Ryan, you should be able to:

-Agree with his plan and leave, and say you haven't found him
-Disagree with him and destroy the city (there's a way it can be done)
-Try to convince him that his plan is madness

If Ryan, his mind twisted, wants to use his technology and science to destroy the fuzzy-thinkers and believers, which Mark is one of, then this gives you the chance to make this dilema more meaningful. It becomes a question of faith for Mark. Does he try to convince Ryan to see the light and be a good person? Does he destroy the city and kill the innocents? Or does he walk on by like a bad Samaritan?

Things I like:

• The setting (environment) is nice. It's always good to have a self-contained world in a game story.
  
• The mind controlled enemies are a good idea because it creates a moral dilema over killing them and you could try to always offer a way to avoid killing them. Maybe they could originally have been the factory workers.
  
• As well as Bioshock, it also reminds me of Myst, at least the lore and backstory, particularly the Myst novels, which also involve an underground city with advanced technology.
  
• I like the choice you give at the end, and I think you should make more of it, offering moral dilemas throughout the story.
  
• It's honestly good overall - I've picked holes in it because I like it. It's what I do. If it wasn't good, I wouldn't have replied.