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Fan-made Amnesia Sequel
Gasjockey Offline
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#41
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

(03-05-2012, 07:28 AM)Mr.Amnesia Wrote: nothing yet about new chapter sad =(
It's on my end bro, sorry. Lots of stuff on my plate atm. Here, have a brofist *brofists*

Member of the secret society of TCaMtRLHfPSMUYRYRtWWtPtKYOoPFatHHG
03-05-2012, 04:03 PM
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Fomzo Offline
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#42
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

http://www.frictionalgames.com/forum/thread-14730.html
04-13-2012, 02:50 PM
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Fomzo Offline
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#43
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

NEW PROOFREADER! NEW CHAPTER!


Attached Files
.pdf   Issue6.pdf (Size: 80.53 KB / Downloads: 122)
05-04-2012, 10:05 PM
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Mr.Amnesia Offline
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#44
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

yeah chapter 6

=D
amazing
=D
(This post was last modified: 05-08-2012, 08:28 AM by Mr.Amnesia.)
05-08-2012, 08:28 AM
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Fomzo Offline
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#45
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

Do you guys want chapter 7? Big Grin
05-10-2012, 03:06 PM
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Bridge Offline
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#46
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

I hate to see a good story bogged down by errors so here you go:

1:

Page 1 Line 4 "which gave a rather unpleasant odour" - Something cannot give an odor, however something can give off an odor.
Page 1 Line 8 Word 2 "who'd" - Doesn't exist in writing; who had.
Page 1 Line 8 Word 3 "went" - Went is only used for past tense. For conditional you can only say gone.
Page
1 Line 9 Word 7 "pleaded' - You make it sound like he had to beg for
food. 'Pleaded' is a bit desperate; better to use 'asked for' or
'requested'.
Page 1 Line 13 "As the owner of the local approached" - Missing a word there, I'd guess 'inn'?
Page 1 Line 21-22 "falling evening" - What exactly is a 'falling evening'?
Page 1 Line 22-23 "[...] the horrid experiences of that strange man still
whispering in the wind." - Experiences can't whisper.
Page 2 Line 3 Word 5 "diarying" - It isn't a word.
Page 2 Line 4 Word 5 "happinesses" - Doesn't exist.
Page 2 Line 6 Word 1 "raining" - Simply 'rain' is better here.
Page 2 Line 10 Word 1 "Allright" - All right.
Page 2 Line 20 "[...] froze at his seat [...]" - Froze in his seat.
Page 2 Line 23 "[...] sounded offensive despite being suppressed by the thick
leather." - Two unrelated ideas: Offensiveness and sonic volume. Better would be to say sounded 'oppressive' or 'loudly'.


2:

Page 1 Line 6 Word 2 "Pleaseee..." - Only one 'e' is necessary; the other two don't add any emphasis, it just looks stupid.
Page 1 Lines 17-18 "[...] strange noise of something metal being dragged behind sounds." - doesn't make any sense. It sounds like something metal is being dragged behind sounds, which is physically impossible.
Page 1 Line 20 "The door shakes." - Not a good idea to mix past and present tenses, as you already said Daniel was standing.
Page 2 Line 5 Word 5 "[...] Brute." - Apart from not being a fan of the terms 'grunt' and 'brute' (I prefer the term the game uses 'gatherers'), it is incorrect to use a capital B because it's not a proper noun. They are of a type (his name isn't Brute Johnson) therefore lowercase 'brute' is more correct.
Page 2 Line 5 "Daniel raises [...]" - As I said, pick one tense and stick with it. From now on I won't quote any more tense mix-ups, just keep it in mind.
Page 2 Line 6 "pointless act of self-defense" - I prefer the terms 'futile' or 'vain' in these cases but that's just me.
Page 2 Line 8 Word 4 "ships" - It's possessive (the cabin of the ship) therefore you need a possessive apostrophe: ship's.
Page 2 Line 13 "Still having nightmares, I see?" - It's not a question, it's an observation so you can't use a question mark. Either write 'Still having nightmares?' or 'Still having nightmares, I see.'
Page 2 Lines 16-17 "[...] Agrippa reassured quietly." - The verb 'reassure' requires an object. You cannot "reassure", you can only "reassure" something or someone.
Factual error: It would have been impossible at the time to get from Prussia to Egypt in two weeks. If he sailed from a port situated on the Baltic Sea it would have taken him I'd guess a month at least. Going by carriage all the way to Italy or the Balkan Peninsula and then by ship to Egypt would also have taken more than two weeks easily.

I'll do the other chapters later if you want to. Quite intriguing so far by the way, though I'm not a fan of the writing style.
(This post was last modified: 05-11-2012, 07:38 PM by Bridge.)
05-11-2012, 07:31 PM
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Fomzo Offline
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#47
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

Of course I want you to do the other chapters Big Grin
05-11-2012, 09:07 PM
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Bridge Offline
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#48
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

Glad I could be of service. Just to be clear just because I'm nit-picking doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it. I'm not much of a grammar Nazi but I just prefer to read clean text when it comes to any sort of stories.

3:

Page 1 Lines 1-2 "The sun was ruthlessly burning Egypt’s face as the faces of the clocks were about to hit noon." - Don't really like the wording. It's not incorrect per se, I just think it could be worded better. Here's my stab at it: 'The sun shone mercilessly upon Egypt's surface as the hands of time were reunited with each other once again.' It's your story so you can word it however you want, I just thought it sounded a bit off, maybe the above can give you some inspiration. Or keep it the way it is if you prefer.
Page 1 Line 3 "[...] moving along numerous stands [...]" - I prefer '[...] moving past stands containing [...]' or something along those lines.
Page 1 Line 11 Word 3 "book" - You can book a hotel room or a flight but when talking about actual items it sounds more natural to say reserved". For example: '[...] to find all the tools he
needed and reserving them.'
Page 1 Lines 23-27 "Daniel turned into adeserted side street and kept throwing wild looks behind his back with a paranoid frequency. "Number 12, 14, 16, 18...No, that’s the wrong alley, we need to look further...” Daniel muttered to himself while he was checking the numbers on wooden doors." - See colors for contradictions. Other minor issues: "paranoid frequency" You can do something paranoid often, but you can not do something in paranoidly {reference to time}. Better to say something like '[...] and kept throwing paranoid looks behind him with great frequency' or something.
Page 2 Lines 1-2 "Daniel seemed to pay absolutely no attention to Agrippa’s words" - Did he seem to, or did he? If he did, then I would word it: 'Daniel paid absolutely no attention to Agrippa's words".
Page 2 3rd-4th lines from bottom "Right, we’re going there but you MUST KEEP DEAD QUIET." - Dead quiet sounds unusual to me. 'Dead silent' sounds better but I'd opt for simply 'you must keep quiet'.
Page 3 Line 4 "[...] horrible events that had plagued his past [...]" - Personally I think '[...] horrible events that plagued his past [...]' without the auxiliary had sounds better.
Page 3 Lines 5-6 "[...] but he shook them and made his way to the very west of the
town." - West is not a definite location so you can not say the very west of something. You can make your way to the very center or probably what you were going for the far western end of town/very west end of town.
Page 3 Line 10 "[...] closer do the massive [...]" - Annoying little typo there: closer to.
Page 3 Lines 12-13 "[...] Daniel felt himself being knocked down [...]" - A better effect is achieved I think simply through '[...] Daniel felt himself knocked down [...]'.
Page 3 Line 19 "He was getting too old for this" - Isn't Daniel pretty young? I'd guess 25 or younger.
Page 3 Line 22 "[...] master, a tall, scary looking [...]" - Since it's a description that follows the word 'master' I think a colon is in order: '[...] master: a tall, scary looking [...]'.
Page 3 4th-1st line from bottom "Long time no see, Ibrahim.” Ibrahim replied. “Hello, Daniel. You’re alive! I guess that means the second option, eh?" - It's weird to preface the actual reply by saying "<person> replied." They haven't actually replied yet. So it's better either to write: 'Ibrahim replied:' or '<reply>, Ibrahim replied.'
05-11-2012, 10:04 PM
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Fomzo Offline
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#49
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

Ok, I ask you guys again: DO YOU WANT THE NEXT CHAPTER? Big Grin
05-13-2012, 09:48 PM
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here4uallday Offline
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#50
RE: Fan-made Amnesia Sequel

YES! Hurry, send me stuff!

Watch my LPs:
http://www.youtube.com/user/here4uallday1?feature=mhee

Need a voice actor? PM me.

Need a proofreader? PM me.
05-19-2012, 01:13 PM
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