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[FAN FIC] The Gatherer. (AKA Limper the Grunt)
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kiruclanz Offline
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Post: #1
[FAN FIC] The Gatherer. (AKA Limper the Grunt)

This is a story about a servant grunt. Not so scary. Focuses mainly on the grunt, not the human. There are slight edits of the Amnesia canon. As it would be boring if the story was about him only going after one human and not killing a bunch.



Chapter 1 - Introduction

Spoiler below!

In the castle of Brennenburg, Alexander had a taste of power from being in control of his workers and their loved ones. He grew old, and couldn't afford to die at any age. He found through studies that a substance called Vitae could extend his life. He obtained the substance by torturing his workers. He used his servants to capture them.

Time passed, and he had the required amount to live for many more years. But there were still living beings left in the castle. Instead of torturing them he decided to kill them. He sent his servants to kill them instead.

Hiding for their lives, many people and animals in the castle were hiding and running for their lives away from the servant grunt. Many were killed. This story is about one specific grunt, and his hunt.





Chapter 2 - The Hunt Begins

Spoiler below!

To specify the grunt better in this story we will nickname him "Limper".

Limper searches for his prey. He walks through the Choir searching for anything to kill. His long and torn lip dangles as he limps around with his large claw weighing him down. He hears the sound of a dog barking in the foggy distance. He starts limping quickly towards the sound. The dog continues barking and gets louder and clearer as he gets closer. He stops and sees a figure struggling in the distance. He walks towards it, and growls loudly, getting ready to attack. As soon as he makes the growl, the dog turns to him. Normally a dog would attack, but this dog was aware he was clearly outmatched as he has witnessed many grunts kill his owner and many others.

Limper walks slowly towards the dog, and the dog struggles and jumps around in all directions. The dog is unable to move as his leg is stuck on a root hanging from the edge of the wall. The dog tries to scare the grunt away by growling, Limper just growls louder. The dog attempts to chew his own leg off, doing whatever it takes to escape. His leg begins bleeding as his chews through the flesh, but unfortunately he was not quick enough.

Limper stands in front of the dog, raises his large, thick, bloody claw. His claw impacts the side of the dog's face. Drops of blood fly into the air off of the dog's injury. The dog falls to the ground and a puddle of blood quickly forms as the scratch pours blood violently. The dog makes one more whimper, before becoming unconscious and shortly after; meeting death.

The grunt chuckles maniacally, raises his bloody claw to his torn mouth and wipes the blood off onto his tongue. He looks around, and begins walking down the Choir looking for his next victim.


More chapters to come. Tell me what you think.
04-12-2012 03:09 AM
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Fomzo Offline
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Post: #2
RE: [FAN FIC] The Gatherer. (AKA Limper the Grunt)

Are you interested in constructive criticism?

04-12-2012 02:22 PM
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Robosprog Offline
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RE: [FAN FIC] The Gatherer. (AKA Limper the Grunt)

Really short, and let me offer some criticism:
First off, this part of Chapter 1 I have taken to examine and rewrite.

"Alexander had a taste of power from being in control of his workers and their loved ones. He grew older, and couldn't afford to die at any age. He found through studies that a substance called Vitae could extend his life. He obtained the substance by torturing his workers. He used his servants to capture them."
Now, the main problem here is a lack of connectives. Let's look at the first two sentences for example:
"Alexander had a taste of power from being in control of his workers and their loved ones. He grew old, and couldn't afford to die at any age."

The full stop doesn't need to be a full stop. Here:


"Alexander had a taste of power from being in control of his workers and their loved ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age"
That simple use of a but, makes the sentences flow better into one another. Always say a sentence in your head after writing it, if it doesn't flow off your tongue easily, then rewrite it and make adjustments.
Now, lets look at where you could of used different words/variations to make it flow and read better. Again:
"Alexander had tasted power from controlling his workers and their loved ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age." Now, adding the next sentence to that, and using a connective again:
"Alexander had tasted power from controlling his workers and their loved ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age, however he had studied and stumbled upon a discovery - a substance called Vitae that had the potential to extend his life."
See? That flows, and reads, and just sounds better generally.


However, the next two sentences concern me:
"He obtained the substance by torturing his workers. He used his servants to capture them."
Not only do you create the same mistakes as earlier, but you make a new one: A lack of explanation. This is really frustrating to read because people may ask a question you didn't answer "Why does torturing his workers give him Vitae?" Again, Let me alter this:
"The substance had to be extracted through torture, and Alexander had the perfect targets: His workers, though the exact reason why this stage was needed in order to create the substance was unknown to him.
Alexander was unable though, to torture his workers - now prisoners - himself as his body was old and weak whilst his servants were young and strong."
Now, that creates a far better sense of intrigue, flows well, and lets the readers know that the main character of this portion of the story has no answer for their question.

Let's put them all together, and adjust to flow better once again.
"Alexander had tasted power from controlling his workers and their loved ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age, however he had studied and stumbled upon a discovery - a substance called Vitae that had the potential to extend his life.
It seemed that the substance had to be extracted through torture, and Alexander had the perfect targets: His workers, though the exact reason why this stage was needed in order to create the substance was unknown to him.
Alexander was unable though, to torture his workers - now prisoners - himself as his body was old and weak whilst his servants were young and strong."


I won't address the other texts as this seems to apply throughout, and I hope you learnt a little from this.

(This post was last modified: 04-12-2012 11:52 PM by Robosprog.)
04-12-2012 11:49 PM
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Damascus Rose Offline
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Post: #4
RE: [FAN FIC] The Gatherer. (AKA Limper the Grunt)

Robosprog,

"Alexander had tasted power from controlling his workers and their loved
ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age, however he
had studied and stumbled upon a discovery - a substance called Vitae
that had the potential to extend his life."

This sentence is actually a run-on sentence now, it would be better if there was a stop in the middle. I think adding a period in the middle would help:

"Alexander had tasted power from controlling his workers and their loved
ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age. However, he
had studied and stumbled upon a discovery - a substance called Vitae
that had the potential to extend his life."

[Image: damascusrose2.png]
04-13-2012 12:10 AM
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Robosprog Offline
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RE: [FAN FIC] The Gatherer. (AKA Limper the Grunt)

(04-13-2012 12:10 AM)Damascus Rose Wrote:  Robosprog,

"Alexander had tasted power from controlling his workers and their loved
ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age, however he
had studied and stumbled upon a discovery - a substance called Vitae
that had the potential to extend his life."

This sentence is actually a run-on sentence now, it would be better if there was a stop in the middle. I think adding a period in the middle would help:

"Alexander had tasted power from controlling his workers and their loved
ones, but he grew old and couldn't afford to die at any age. However, he
had studied and stumbled upon a discovery - a substance called Vitae
that had the potential to extend his life."
Didn't notice that, cheers, posting late at night never helps my wits.

04-13-2012 04:41 PM
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