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[Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?
ClayPigeon Offline
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#1
[Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

So I'm back to Amnesia after half an year of inactivity Tongue
I wanna start working on a project but my weakest point strikes again: lack of creativity.

This is the storyline I've been thinking of:
Spoiler below!

The story takes place in Burnsvale Keep. An ancient castle near Erenmores' village.
You play as Bertom Baily, an English catholic pharmacist who was sent from Erenmores' church.
You were sent to Burnsvale keep in order to concoct a remedy for the village's mistress, Lyndia.
Legend says that the village was once ruled by the kings of Burnsvale, and after they died and the dynasty of monarchy was replaced with masters and mistresses, the lost souls of the old rulers have came back to hunt the masters, and regain their control over the village and over the castle.


These days, pharmacy was rare, and bound to individuals. You are a pioneer who was sent to the abandoned keep of Burnsvale.
Easy? No. The castle used to belong to the great kings of Erenmore, and the dynasty had been stopped as the last king fallen, unable to resist his mysterious disease.
Some say the castle is haunted by the dynasty of kings who is waiting for the last mistress to die so they can take over the village again.
You must remain alive.


When I thought of it at first, it sounded kinda new and creative, but when I read it again a few times it started sounding corny...
What do you guys think?

ALSO:
If anyone is willing to help with the mapping part please contact me!
(This post was last modified: 01-05-2013, 09:58 PM by ClayPigeon.)
01-05-2013, 03:10 PM
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ClayPigeon Offline
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#2
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

(01-05-2013, 04:23 PM)Robosprog Wrote: Actually, I enjoyed start but when you went "DARK AND POWERFUL" it started to sound like a really bad fan fiction, no offence. It also seems like your the most important person, which I disagree with most of the time in stories, I would change it so that the fate of the village etc didn't depend on you, and remove the dark powerful old ones bit, replace that with a more realistic threat, such as crazed, ambitious nobles wishing to gain the land and keep as their own through her death, and removing the "you forgot why you were here" bit with something more akin to protecting the mistress, and surviving. That's my opinion, any way.

That's one of the reasons I'm always writing the plot before starting to work on the maps and the physical parts Smile

And yeah, I did feel lost on the part of the "dark power", because it's kinda hard to think of something new with hundreds of CS's out there.
Anyways, please check changes in a few moments.

Alright I've edited the storyline abit.
(This post was last modified: 01-05-2013, 04:51 PM by ClayPigeon.)
01-05-2013, 04:26 PM
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ClayPigeon Offline
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#3
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

(01-05-2013, 05:18 PM)Robosprog Wrote: It seems less corny now, which is always a plus, and with some good mapping and well done environmental story telling will do well.

Thanks for this. Smile
But then again, I'd like to hear some more opinions.
01-05-2013, 05:21 PM
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hbcAntonio Offline
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#4
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

Hi there! So far, I think your plot is fine. Here are some concepts that, in my opinion, would make it better:

1. Ghosts filled with hatred? Why not a villain who actually control these ghosts, seeking to use the power of the fallen ones to regain his former glory and (rule the world?) maybe finish his vendetta against Erenmores (he may have been a renegade, he may have lost the love of his life there, he may have been denied Lyndia)?

2. Following the context above, there is space for 'be-the-hero' kind of stuff. Imagine you're the pharmacist, and you're desperately in love the mistress. The villain wouldn't allow you to save Lyndia, or perhaps he needs someone who loves the one he once loved so that a ritual (?) can be completed. Sick villain with 'if you cannot be mine you're no one else's!' guideline.

3. Burnsvale was abandoned. Why? Is it falling apart? Or maybe in the past something terrible took over the castle? Could it still be there, waiting for someone to summon it? These secrets may have been resting in Burnsvale all along, and our renegade villain found shelter there?

Hey, these are just some ideas, the main point is that I am always atracted to stories by their details and the proposital holes in the plot. It tells me just a bit of what happened, enough not to let me frustrated (like, WHY AM I HERE? WHY IS THIS CASTLE ABANDONED? WHY THESE GHOSTS WANT TO KILL EVERYONE?) but not that much, so I can fill the holes myself, figuring out the reasons (not guession, never guessing, guessing is bad, guessing is terrible) and getting more and more involved with the story.
(This post was last modified: 01-05-2013, 06:46 PM by hbcAntonio.)
01-05-2013, 06:45 PM
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ClayPigeon Offline
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#5
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

(01-05-2013, 06:45 PM)hbcAntonio Wrote: Hi there! So far, I think your plot is fine. Here are some concepts that, in my opinion, would make it better:

1. Ghosts filled with hatred? Why not a villain who actually control these ghosts, seeking to use the power of the fallen ones to regain his former glory and (rule the world?) maybe finish his vendetta against Erenmores (he may have been a renegade, he may have lost the love of his life there, he may have been denied Lyndia)?

2. Following the context above, there is space for 'be-the-hero' kind of stuff. Imagine you're the pharmacist, and you're desperately in love the mistress. The villain wouldn't allow you to save Lyndia, or perhaps he needs someone who loves the one he once loved so that a ritual (?) can be completed. Sick villain with 'if you cannot be mine you're no one else's!' guideline.

3. Burnsvale was abandoned. Why? Is it falling apart? Or maybe in the past something terrible took over the castle? Could it still be there, waiting for someone to summon it? These secrets may have been resting in Burnsvale all along, and our renegade villain found shelter there?

Hey, these are just some ideas, the main point is that I am always atracted to stories by their details and the proposital holes in the plot. It tells me just a bit of what happened, enough not to let me frustrated (like, WHY AM I HERE? WHY IS THIS CASTLE ABANDONED? WHY THESE GHOSTS WANT TO KILL EVERYONE?) but not that much, so I can fill the holes myself, figuring out the reasons (not guession, never guessing, guessing is bad, guessing is terrible) and getting more and more involved with the story.

These are some nice idea, but I'll have to work out my mind to implement them in the story Tongue
Thing is, I want a piece of everyone in this story, that will create a whole.

And usually I like leaving some untold information(Like the looks of the characters, some reasons behind different occasions, etc.) to let people use their imagination and build a part of the story themselves.

Thanks again Smile
More opinions are always welcome.
01-05-2013, 09:57 PM
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ClayPigeon Offline
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#6
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

Bump!
Also looking for mappers now.
01-06-2013, 04:35 PM
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Acies Offline
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#7
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

You put up a good background story but then let it fall with the ultimate goal of the story: "You must remain alive." It might be me, but I imagine you setting up the background story you have written in your first post and after that start tossing grunts at the player. Hopefully you'll keep your imagination flowing throughout the custom story (and include further story!), because you seem to have a good imagination.

One idea I have - changes things around a lot:

Set up the main character to be one of the "movie-stubborn-I-do-not-believe-in-ghosts". He's there to do some sort of duty etc. evaluate a house for sale. You start throwing a few physche scares at the player (warnings of sorts), but the main character dismisses them as nothing and sets goals to explore the scary cellar (for example). The player will be scared and possibly angry at the main character for being such an ignorant moron. Could possibly be something interesting to explore in addition to your main story :]

[Image: mZiYnxe.png]


(This post was last modified: 01-07-2013, 06:18 AM by Acies.)
01-07-2013, 06:17 AM
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ClayPigeon Offline
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#8
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

(01-07-2013, 06:17 AM)Acies Wrote: You put up a good background story but then let it fall with the ultimate goal of the story: "You must remain alive." It might be me, but I imagine you setting up the background story you have written in your first post and after that start tossing grunts at the player. Hopefully you'll keep your imagination flowing throughout the custom story (and include further story!), because you seem to have a good imagination.

One idea I have - changes things around a lot:

Set up the main character to be one of the "movie-stubborn-I-do-not-believe-in-ghosts". He's there to do some sort of duty etc. evaluate a house for sale. You start throwing a few physche scares at the player (warnings of sorts), but the main character dismisses them as nothing and sets goals to explore the scary cellar (for example). The player will be scared and possibly angry at the main character for being such an ignorant moron. Could possibly be something interesting to explore in addition to your main story :]
Wow no! I'm not going to toss grunts around the player Sad
I'm actually working very hard to creat build up scares that are based on the history of the background story and it is not easy.

The changes - I love them, but I don't get who you're referring to as the main character. I'd really like a response as I actually want to put that idea in the story Smile
01-07-2013, 06:30 AM
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Acies Offline
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#9
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

I figure the main character would be the character the player controls (in amnesia it's Daniel for example). :]

[Image: mZiYnxe.png]


01-07-2013, 06:55 AM
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Adrianis Offline
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#10
RE: [Discussion] Is this storyline too corny?

(01-07-2013, 06:17 AM)Acies Wrote: ... Set up the main character to be one of the "movie-stubborn-I-do-not-believe-in-ghosts". He's there to do some sort of duty etc. evaluate a house for sale. You start throwing a few physche scares at the player (warnings of sorts), but the main character dismisses them as nothing and sets goals to explore the scary cellar (for example).....

Adding to that, if you do it really well you could even deliberately make the early scares crap - i.e. deliberately make the player think they are... well not 'lame' scares but you know, scares that a real person could easily dismiss, then later start throwing* some really terrifying sh*t at the player as the main character starts to clock on to whats going on. Kinda risky in that the player may just quit cause they think its lame, and also kinda risky in that you'd have to be pretty good at setting up scares, for the later ones at least. Food for thought!

*EDIT: do not mean literally 'throwing'. Am not advocating use of flying chairs and/or people living/dead
(This post was last modified: 01-07-2013, 03:24 PM by Adrianis.)
01-07-2013, 03:12 PM
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